Breaking up is hard to do

Dear Hotline:
 
We can’t believe we are saying this.  We have spent so much time together and I feel that you have really become a part of my life but the truth is…I just don’t even know who you are anymore. And I just can’t bare it any longer to see your competition taking advantage of our rocky relationship. 
 
So, like a guy who is about to get fired and wants to save his ego by running into his boss’s office, we are going to beat you to the punch and say – I QUIT.
 
Don’t be so hard on yourself.  It’s not you, it’s me.  We just can’t stand watching you upset all day because some presidential campaign filled your inbox again with whiny emails. You have to understand, it’s just what they do. 
 
No, counseling won’t work.  It’s beyond that.  We know you think that other guy is a joke. Even though we got a kick out of hearing it; you don’t have to tell us again. We hear it constantly from your friends.  Sure he is going to think that he caused this break up, but knowing what you guys think of him will help heal the wounds.
 
Obviously, what we will miss most is the hot, hot benefits.  You know, like the 23 extra hits a day.  Or the $0 in support I get from you.  Now I ain’t sayin’ you a gold digger; you got needs. But if I’m going to put up with the headache; I gotta get something out of it too.
 
Yeah, I got your list of demands, but let’s use some real “straight talk” here.  You said that all I had to do was be unbiased.  Check.  Heck, one presidential campaign even sent out an email citing me numerous times.  But that didn’t stop them from flooding your inbox.  But you underestimated them and they figured out that if they went to your competition and embarrassed you, you would buckle.  Well, you did.
 
You said you loved me, but you won’t stand by me when I need you most?  Today you said “we think the site is fair,” and “we think it’s excellent – it’s a site we’re going to continue to use every day.” Well, you used me ‘till you used me up. Unlike a nice glass of bourbon; you have been the cause of, not the solution to all of my problems.
 
I know you said that maybe we could just “take a break” and have some “me” time.  Well baby, I think I will take some me time.  I am just not ready to settle down, grow old, and become boring.  I want to be out there living life and making waves.  I think its time you moved on.  I’m sure those other guys who stalk you, and even changed their name to sound like you, might take you in.  You know, the ones you rejected not so long ago.
 
Don’t take it personal.  We will always remember the good times.  Like the time we got the cool logo.  And that other time…um…  Let’s not dwell on the past.  I am sure you will be OK.  After all, we took all the blame.  You can just keep on rollin’ and maybe when we are ready to settle down, I’ll come back for you. 
 
Keep you chin up kiddo. 

I’m not a player.  I just crush a lot.
 
Love always,
The Shot

PS – Can we keep our free password to Hotline or do we have to join the rest of the politcos across America and steal it from a friend? 

And once more for old time’s sake:

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